when i think of true love between two people i always think of these two girls in my health class who never stopped talking for anything. they were goofy and very loud which either amused or bugged the rest of us. they laughed and took pictures in the middle of class and had inside jokes they repeated like someone hit the replay button. one of those jokes was "robo-*insert any word*". repeatedly one would say to the other "i robo-love you." it was terribly cute and silly and i never thought too much of it until the last day of class right b4 school was to let out for summer. one of the girls presented the other with a pair of robot earrings. it doesnt sound like much, but robot earings!? what!? thats true love and the sweetest thing ive seen in a long time. sealing an inside joke like that. i still dont know where ashton glover found those perfect (and huge) robot earrings.

i'm not going to lie and say Ashton was my friend. we were, though, friends in our middle school theatre class. she liked my style. she was the lion in the wizard of oz. she hated theatre, but mostly the teacher. it didnt stop her from taking the class in high school tho, and she was kind enough to drop by on halloween of my 8th grade year to warn me that Freeman was the favorable theatre teacher and to pray i dont get Grant. I ended up with Freeman, but for the record i love mrs. Grant.

i can handle death very well. I do not cry when pets die. i did not cry when my grandmother died. im not crying now either. i think its because im indenial tho. i still think im going to see ashton when we return to school and she'll be just as arrogant and head strong as always.  she wasnt afraid of anyone and was big enough to take on football players and couches, which she (with right) bragged of doing. she would talk back and didnt show respect to anyone unless they proved they deserved it. im telling it like it is. alot of people didnt like her b/c of this but she was the poster child for independance. may she rest in peace.

its not right to see her picture in the new with the caption "16 year old found dead". its so unreal, she was too strong to die so young.

Currently Listening Hot Fuss By The Killers see related

Now that its Easter, its back to my diet of flaming hot cheetos and gum in all classes but french (yeah right... we'll see if she can catch me...) This is offically the last year I do lent. I'm not even catholic, but my parents are and I guess I do the whole lent thing just to entertain them. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and the good Jesus did but it wasn't God who said I can't eat meat on Friday (that was the pope trying to up the profit of fishermen in Itlay).

Okay now, after forty days without, my body is viciously rejecting the flaming hot cheetos in the form of me shaking uncontrollably. Its highly uncomfortable, and I feel I may die soon because of this. That reminds me of something else...

The other day I was watching a very interesting show about the Apocalypse. Now for those of you who don't know what the Apocalypse is, Google it. But here's the sparknotes version: God made the world, He can destroy the world, and one day He will. Okay that's that. But it seems the Bible has a billion and one hints of when exactly the destruction of our world will take place. It can also for tell the future (most of you may have heard of the "Oh! The Bible told of 9/11!" thing... and thats kinda b/c it did). So the Bible is telling us all this stuff that will/did happen in our contemporay history. Why does it prodict events for just now and not in medieval times or w/e? Well it also tells of the begining of the world and the life of Jesus. Does anyone see a pattern? The bible is seeming to tell events of the begining and the end of the world. hint hint: the end of the world is coming! At least thats what the show was saying. I didn't believe it much nor was i really worried until a certian part. It seems Jesus (please correct me if I'm wrong) said the world will end when "men run to and fro" and knowledge is highly available. a.k.a. a time of a fast paced information age. a.k.a. RIGHT NOW. I got scared. Cut to comercial of Dell computers saying how cool and fast and high-tech they are. The whole time all I could think was "What the fuck are you doing?! You're just speeding up the end of the freakin' world!" I was flipping. I'm still not 100% over it.

Now half a jumbo bag of flaming hot cheetos is gone and I feel a hell of alot better. Score. Kudos if you read all that. I kinda rambled. But I hardly ever update so I can do that.

I originally got xanga just b/c I used to visit all my friends sites and I so wanted to comment. Yet, alas, I couldn't. So I got me a xanga, commented, and was happy. Now I find myself anxiously waiting for others to update so I can yet again comment. So update and I'll comment.

So till next time. (dont you hate it when you try and center one line, it keeps cnetering the whole freaking page?!)

Currently Listening Evig Pint By Kaizers Orchestra see related

Seeing as how its been a whole freakin month since i updated, i was thinking its about time i do.

I'm loving the research paper we're doing in english (never thought I'd say it). It opens your eyes to the way people who don't hold your same opinion think. I know alot of us have such a deep rooted hold on our ideals that theres no way, not even when hell freezes over, will they change. Like my topic pro-ana, which are underground sites on the internet that offer support and encouragement for anorexics. Not to recover, but to keep up the starvation. Anyone who's taken a health class or what have you knows that anorexia is a death sentance. Then why do these crazy sites exist? Those who run the sites and visit them frequently argue that there they are understood. No one judeges them or forces them to be what they are not or regards them with the anorexic illness. They will get treatment when they want to. They do not advertise or support anorexia.

Does this make since? Put yourself in the shoes of one who is anorexic. Everyone regards you as a freak, that theres something wrong with you. They say to just eat but thats like telling an obese person to put down the cake and go exercise. On the sites is where they feel like they're not alone and cared about. But it's a false since of security. Ana makes them feel like they have friends somewhere who understand and will fight with them for anorexia. But do true friends let you walk down a path to death? They feel like they have support for they're life style. But it's not a heathly life style. Yes- anorexics do need help. That they understand. But what they don't undestand is that they're getting help from the very oh-so wrong people.

My point is that even though I'm agaist what these sites truely stand for, I understand why they're out there. Reading them and going through all the material, it's very easy to see why they are so supported by those with eating disorders. But in the society we live in and the way peoples mind are programed, when someone first hears about these pro-ana sites they think "what the hell? why would these crazy people starve themselves and advertise it on the internet thinking its right?!"  I know thats what I thought. But look into the deeper picture next time and try to find out why someone has the opinion that they do. Its now clear to me and I feel like a more educated, simpathetic person for it. I hope all that makes since b/c its late and I need sleep.

On another note altogether. It's not fun to be with someone your crazy about and know that in just a few more months they won't be with you anymore. You see them everyday. You love their smile and hugs. Imagine the two you finishing out high school together (for the most part). Watching them grow in the field that is their passion that they hold so much dedication and love for. It's just not fair to keep imagining a futrue with someone that will never be. I already had to go through this before and now again? I know she'll miss some people far more then she'll miss me but I dont get close to people as easily as this. Florida's not all that great.

"The freakin' rain is making it freakin' cold!" I still dont get why that was so funny. I also need to learn to drive. I've been 16 for months now. I also need the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs cd. I hear its pretty spiffy. How did I almost forget about that?

I dont like spring weather or the bugs it brings, but I do like the way my life is right now (for the most part) and it just looks like it will get better (for the most part). I wont go into it now, but now I've had things I've never had before. Now that I think about it, last year was the same way. Last year spring was awsome. Lets see if this year tops it.  

Much love lovers.

Currently Listening A Fever You Can't Sweat Out By Panic! At the Disco see related

Everyone's alittle bit racist. Some more then others, but it seems to be a quality in humans we can't avoid. Racism is still a very sensitive issue in society though. Some people find it funny and entertaining but theres a point when  people become unsensitive or go too far.

Do a picture search on google on the word "muslim." The results contain far too many pictures of bleeding people, men in black masks holding guns, and burning buildings or flags. This is not the true face of this religion. Thanks to the stereotypes held by the western world, when the word "terrorist" is uttered, one's mind shoots to imagies of men in turbans killing the innocent in the name of God. Islam is really a religion of peace, but these small hate-groups are the ones doing the damage to the religion's name. Those of African desent seem to have a similar problem. The word "gangs" or "crime" seem to be played out in American media by black and sometimes latinos. It seems to be ironic when someone of color achieves success as valedicotrian or a high position is business. Some even go so far as to assume the school was one in the ghetto.

The thing that gets me is the media. Yes, it can be said that whites show up far more in movies and on tv then Latinos and blacks combined. But how often to you see someone of asian desent? Hardly ever. Unless the movie is set in Asia, a type of martial art is displayed, or a terrorist in present, one is very, very unlikly to see an asian or south asian character. Why is this? Perhaps alot of it lies in the Asian mainstream (or to Americans, subculture). India has Bollywood, which puts out more movies then Hollywood does each year (though I hear they're not very creative and tend to repeat story lines). Oriental asians seem to be atteracted to Japanese mainstream and anime (but thats a stereotype). It may even lie in how they are raised to care more about the mind then one's portrayal in the immoral media.

I honestly don't know the reason, but it could even lie in our white-dominated society's lack of acknowledgement for the race. With an ever growing population of intellegant asians in America, I doubt this lack of recognition will continue to go on ignored. It can't, for it has a negative affect. Thanks to Western ideas of beauty, surgury to widen the eyes has become one of the most popular forms of palstic surgury in Japan. Narrow eyes is a very distinguishable feature in orientals and its sad that so many seem to lack the confidence to carry them with pride that they must conform to another race's ideal form of beauty. Again, I blame western media.

The unfairness isn't held in only minorities. The term "white boy" has a negative conotation and is used as an insult to say someone is unhip or lame. Black pride organizations are very popular and show one's pride in thier heritage. But if a white person was to join a white pride organization they're thought to be racist or a member of the modern KKK. This of course has to do with the hate crimes comitted in the past by whites against minorites. On a personal level, I must say that I am ashamed of my ancestor's behavior and even the belief of Social Darwinism isn't a good enough excuse. But I hear far to often that "the white people in Clements are all racist." We're all a little bir racist.

I'm getting sick of the insensitive racism curculating in our culture. Yes, its an uncurible fact of life we must learn to live with or we'll never be happy, but check yourselfs before you make a comment. If it would look bad if someone of that race said it about themselfs, don't say it. For example, don't say "Muslims are terrorists" because it would look bad if a muslim said "I'm a terrorist." You can say "Asians are smart" because it doesnt look bad for an asian to say "I'm smart." I think if we all do that, less people will be offended and hurt by stupid comments.

Okay I'm done. Sorry ya'll... I just needed all that off my chest.

"Every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you'll never get back"
-stolen from Nadia's profile

Currently Listening Disclaimer II By Seether see related

Cabaret opening night was tonight. It was seriously beautiful. Gasps and tears chould be heard form the audience. Sam and Ryan were touching. Kevin slapped Cortney. Energy flowed like a God knows what. I missed curtian call but it's all good... theres always tomorrow night (go to it).

I have to mention something thats been on my back and eating my brain for awhile now. I want to say I'm sorry to everyone who thinks I onced loved them. Because I still do. Last year there were people I knew, people I counted as great friends, that I hardly talk to or don't talk to at all anymore. When I pass these people by in the halls I can't keep my mind from them. I want to talk to you: know what your doing, why your sad, ask who you love, and tell you how much you mean to me. I hate looking at you in class and wondering why your not a part of my life like you once were. Do you think and wish the same as I do?

There's a friend I have that I'll call Carl. He's a great guy but he's blind to something. He told me once that his ex tried talking to him after class. She asked him why they don't talk anymore and if they could try to be friends and hang out sometime. All he could think was "Why? We're not going out anymore. I don't see why she even talked to me." Well maybe, even tho she doesn't have feelings for you now, she remember that she once really cared about you. Perhaps she wanted to reach out to someone who once met so much to her and make a friendship out of it. It's not stupid and its worth a try. I'm proud of her for doing more then I could do. At least she approched this past love of hers.

I'll try not to look so sad when I'm walking down the halls. It's just because of the afor mentioned reasons. I can think of many people I still have love for. I hope they read this so they know one thing: I have a place reserved for you in my heart. It will always be there if you want it.